These are all really funny

Russell Peters: Beating Your Kids

Russell Peters: Be A Man

21 Accents: Done by an Israeli

More accents by an Australian

Stand up qaomedy show cancelled

Convicted Al Qaeda terrorist Zia Ul Haq took an eight day comedy class in a British prison. The twenty-nine year old Haq is serving an 18 year sentence for his part in a 2004 plot set off a dirty bombs in London.

British authorities stopped the course mid-way, which is too bad, because Haq and his classmates, who included murderers, were scheduled to give a performance for their fellow prisoners. Britain’s Justice Secretary Jack Straw said, “As soon as I heard about it, I instructed it must be immediately cancelled. It is totally unacceptable.”

We have a copy of Haq’s set list. Jack Straw is depriving us of a great show:

Sarah Palin Holds News Conference While Turkeys Are Slaughtered In The Background

Some videos you just have to see to believe. On Thursday, Alaska Governor Sarah Palin appeared in Wasilla in order to pardon a local turkey in anticipation of Thanksgiving.

This proved to be a slightly absurd but ultimately unremarkable event. But what came next was positively surreal. After the pardon Palin proceeded to hold a news conference while the turkeys were being BEHEADED in the background!!

Completely oblivious to the slaughter going on over her shoulder, she carries on talking for over three minutes! Was no one there to tell her how bad this looked? Watch the video below to see for yourself. Be warned, it’s kind of gruesome.

Arthur Schopenhauer

“Every man takes the limits of his own field of vision for the limits of the world.”

Giving Up on God

By Kathleen Parker

As Republicans sort out the reasons for their defeat, they likely will overlook or dismiss the gorilla in the pulpit.

Three little letters, great big problem: G-O-D.

I’m bathing in holy water as I type.

To be more specific, the evangelical, right-wing, oogedy-boogedy branch of the GOP is what ails the erstwhile conservative party and will continue to afflict and marginalize its constituents if reckoning doesn’t soon cometh.

Simply put: Armband religion is killing the Republican Party. And, the truth — as long as we’re setting ourselves free — is that if one were to eavesdrop on private conversations among the party intelligentsia, one would hear precisely that.

The choir has become absurdly off-key, and many Republicans know it.

But they need those votes!

So it has been for the Grand Old Party since the 1980s or so, as it has become increasingly beholden to an element that used to be relegated to wooden crates on street corners.

Short break as writer ties blindfold and smokes her last cigarette.

Which is to say, the GOP has surrendered its high ground to its lowest brows. In the process, the party has alienated its non-base constituents, including other people of faith (those who prefer a more private approach to worship), as well as secularists and conservative-leaning Democrats who otherwise might be tempted to cross the aisle.

Here’s the deal, ‘pubbies: Howard Dean was right.

It isn’t that culture doesn’t matter. It does. But preaching to the choir produces no converts. And shifting demographics suggest that the Republican Party — and conservatism with it — eventually will die out unless religion is returned to the privacy of one’s heart where it belongs.

Religious conservatives become defensive at any suggestion that they’ve had something to do with the GOP’s erosion. And, though the recent Democratic sweep can be attributed in large part to a referendum on Bush and the failing economy, three long-term trends identified by Emory University’s Alan Abramowitz have been devastating to the Republican Party: increasing racial diversity, declining marriage rates and changes in religious beliefs.

Suffice it to say, the Republican Party is largely comprised of white, married Christians. Anyone watching the two conventions last summer can’t have missed the stark differences: One party was brimming with energy, youth and diversity; the other felt like an annual Depends sales meeting.

With the exception of Miss Alaska, of course.

Even Sarah Palin has blamed Bush policies for the GOP loss. She’s not entirely wrong, but she’s also part of the problem. Her recent conjecture about whether to run for president in 2012 (does anyone really doubt she will?) speaks for itself:

“I’m like, okay, God, if there is an open door for me somewhere, this is what I always pray, I’m like, don’t let me miss the open door. Show me where the open door is…. And if there is an open door in (20)12 or four years later, and if it’s something that is going to be good for my family, for my state, for my nation, an opportunity for me, then I’ll plow through that door.”

Let’s do pray that God shows Alaska’s governor the door.

Meanwhile, it isn’t necessary to evict the Creator from the public square, surrender Judeo-Christian values or diminish the value of faith in America. Belief in something greater than oneself has much to recommend it, including most of the world’s architectural treasures, our universities and even our founding documents.

But, like it or not, we are a diverse nation, no longer predominantly white and Christian. The change Barack Obama promised has already occurred, which is why he won.

Among Jewish voters, 78 percent went for Obama. Sixty-six percent of under-30 voters did likewise. Forty-five percent of voters ages 18-29 are Democrats compared to just 26 percent Republican; in 2000, party affiliation was split almost evenly.

The young will get older, of course. Most eventually will marry, and some will become their parents. But nonwhites won’t get whiter. And the nonreligious won’t get religion through external conversion. It doesn’t work that way.

Given those facts, the future of the GOP looks dim and dimmer if it stays the present course. Either the Republican Party needs a new base — or the nation may need a new party.

Obama’s Use of Complete Sentences Stirs Controversy

In the first two weeks since the election, President-elect Barack Obama has broken with a tradition established over the past eight years through his controversial use of complete sentences, political observers say.

Millions of Americans who watched Mr. Obama’s appearance on CBS’s 60 Minutes on Sunday witnessed the president-elect’s unorthodox verbal tick, which had Mr. Obama employing grammatically correct sentences virtually every time he opened his mouth.

But Mr. Obama’s decision to use complete sentences in his public pronouncements carries with it certain risks, since after the last eight years many Americans may find his odd speaking style jarring.

According to presidential historian Davis Logsdon of the University of Minnesota, some Americans might find it “alienating” to have a president who speaks English as if it were his first language.

“Every time Obama opens his mouth, his subjects and verbs are in agreement,” says Mr. Logsdon. “If he keeps it up, he is running the risk of sounding like an elitist.”

The historian said that if Mr. Obama insists on using complete sentences in his speeches, the public may find itself saying, “Okay, subject, predicate, subject predicate — we get it, stop showing off.”

The president-elect’s stubborn insistence on using complete sentences has already attracted a rebuke from one of his harshest critics, Gov. Sarah Palin of Alaska.

“Talking with complete sentences there and also too talking in a way that ordinary Americans like Joe the Plumber and Tito the Builder can’t really do there, I think needing to do that isn’t tapping into what Americans are needing also,” she said.

Andy Borowitz is a comedian and writer whose work appears in The New Yorker and The New York Times, and at his award-winning humor site, BorowitzReport.com.

This Guy Predicted The Financial Crisis And Was Derided For It

This is well worth watching.

Watch the contempt from Fox News for Peter Schiff over the past two years:

This is Barack Obama in July

Fifty things you might not know about Barack Obama

By Jon Swaine

• He collects Spider-Man and Conan the Barbarian comics
• He was known as “O’Bomber” at high school for his skill at basketball
• His name means “one who is blessed” in Swahili
• His favourite meal is wife Michelle’s shrimp linguini
• He won a Grammy in 2006 for the audio version of his memoir, Dreams From My Father
• He is left-handed – the sixth post-war president to be left-handed
• He has read every Harry Potter book
• He owns a set of red boxing gloves autographed by Muhammad Ali
• He worked in a Baskin-Robbins ice cream shop as a teenager and now can’t stand ice cream
• His favourite snacks are chocolate-peanut protein bars
• He ate dog meat, snake meat, and roasted grasshopper while living in Indonesia
• He can speak Spanish
• While on the campaign trail he refused to watch CNN and had sports channels on instead
• His favourite drink is black forest berry iced tea
• He promised Michelle he would quit smoking before running for president – he didn’t
• He kept a pet ape called Tata while in Indonesia
• He can bench press an impressive 200lbs
• He was known as Barry until university when he asked to be addressed by his full name
• His favourite book is Moby-Dick by Herman Melville
• He visited Wokingham, Berks, in 1996 for the stag party of his half-sister’s fiancé, but left when a stripper arrived
• His desk in his Senate office once belonged to Robert Kennedy
• He and Michelle made $4.2 million (£2.7 million) last year, with much coming from sales of his books
• His favourite films are Casablanca and One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest
• He carries a tiny Madonna and child statue and a bracelet belonging to a soldier in Iraq for good luck
• He applied to appear in a black pin-up calendar while at Harvard but was rejected by the all-female committee.
• His favourite music includes Miles Davis, Bob Dylan, Bach and The Fugees
• He took Michelle to see the Spike Lee film Do The Right Thing on their first date
• He enjoys playing Scrabble and poker
• He doesn’t drink coffee and rarely drinks alcohol
• He would have liked to have been an architect if he were not a politician
• As a teenager he took drugs including marijuana and cocaine
• His daughters’ ambitions are to go to Yale before becoming an actress (Malia, 10) and to sing and dance (Sasha, 7)
• He hates the youth trend for trousers which sag beneath the backside
• He repaid his student loan only four years ago after signing his book deal
• His house in Chicago has four fire places
• Daughter Malia’s godmother is Jesse Jackson’s daughter Santita
• He says his worst habit is constantly checking his BlackBerry
• He uses an Apple Mac laptop
• He drives a Ford Escape Hybrid, having ditched his gas-guzzling Chrysler 300
• He wears $1,500 (£952) Hart Schaffner Marx suits
• He owns four identical pairs of black size 11 shoes
• He has his hair cut once a week by his Chicago barber, Zariff, who charges $21 (£13)
• His favourite fictional television programmes are Mash and The Wire
• He was given the code name “Renegade” by his Secret Service handlers
• He was nicknamed “Bear” by his late grandmother
• He plans to install a basketball court in the White House grounds
• His favourite artist is Pablo Picasso
• His speciality as a cook is chilli
• He has said many of his friends in Indonesia were “street urchins”
• He keeps on his desk a carving of a wooden hand holding an egg, a Kenyan symbol of the fragility of life
• His late father was a senior economist for the Kenyan government

How Do I Thank Thee, Sarah Palin?

By Erica Heller with profound apologies to Elizabeth Barrett Browning.

How do I thank thee for running, Sarah Palin? Let me count the ways.

I thank thee to the depth and breadth and height my Democratic, Obama-loving, unemployed soul can reach, still exhausted mightily from the interminable weeks of horrific suspense, waiting to find out if what we were witnessing was a monumental comedy or a catastrophic, world-ending horror-movie.

For letting Katie Couric peel back the layers early on and show that “There is no there there.” For not knowing what the Bush Doctrine is or being able to name any Supreme Court cases. (For a second there, I really thought you might say: “Howzabout ‘Stop In the Name of Love?’”)

For winking during the debate as if twin 747s had flown into your eyes.

For not believing in evolution, for being as narrow-minded and mean-spirited as Scrooge on Christmas, for assuming that all American IQs were no higher than your shoe size, for thinking you could do a Houdini with shockingly expensive couturier fashions, for making the great Joe Biden, a distinguished, solid, national treasure, look and seem even more treasurable.

For honestly believing that real life in our great land had become just one big reality show and that overnight, without benefit of wisdom, knowledge, intellect, experience, ethics, conscience or the merest trace of substance, you wouldn’t get voted off the island, could/would dance better than anyone else or be selected the next American Idol rather than the next American Midol.

Oh, how I thank you now for running, Sarah Palin. My mirth is bottomless!

I thank you for Ted Stevens, for thinking you could run the Senate, for defiantly refusing to show us your medical records, for thinking you could somehow look cool on SNL, for providing exquisite fodder for Keith, Rachel, Jon, Bill Maher, Richard Lewis and other mondo-brilliant minds everywhere who managed to spin your transparent mendacity and fomented hatred into gold, as we all watched and waited, breathless, astonished, that you, so unworthy and unfit, even came close. That you were ever even picked and taken half-seriously, you who wouldn’t know NAFTA from NAMBLA, didn’t know that Africa is a continent and not a country, allowed yourself to be pranked by a couple of impish and astute Canadian comedians, and probably thinks your next check-up is with Diet Dr. Pepper.

What a lesson it’s been. America is great enough, free enough, to let someone like you run. But also smart enough to let you lose.

So, I thank thee for running, Sarah Palin, and for helping us last Tuesday to dodge the surreal, existential and yes, perhaps the greatest historical bullet of our lifetime. (As has, no doubt, our pre-natal paragon, Levi “Shootin’ Shit” Johnston.)

Now, if only those poor Alaskan wolves could be so lucky.